To the Girl... I Mean... Branding That Broke My Heart
[By Jeff Androsko]
Dear Girl Brand Who Sold Out
and Broke My Heart,
I know you're young and want to experience new things, but there's a few things you should know about me. I am loyal to my brand. I pay for it, keep it close to me, advertise it, protect it from cutthroats and tell others about it; I'm a natural maven when I find something I love.
I never cease to lose faith in my brand relationship, unless my trust is violated. You, my eager ex, have pushed me overboard. I believed in you; thought you were someone who was truly good for me to be around. But... I guess I was wrong.
You sold out. Your 8.3 fluent ounce can just wasn't enough, was it? You had me believe that the classic, original would be sufficient; ya know... energize me... make me feel young. But noOoOoOoOoOo!!! Now you're into COLA! COLA?! Seriously?! Disgusting! They use that stuff to de-grease submarine engines for God's sake! Do yourself a favor and take a good long look at yourself in the mirror. What have you become? I hope you're happy Abigail Red Bull! Have fun with your 12 and 16.9 ounces of nonsense!
With Hellishly Intense Disdain,